Can you please stop showing up in my dreams? 

Your kisses were poison in daydream, in sleep 

they are candy and

don't

hurt.

don'tlookbackdon'tlookbackdon'tlookback

you lie.

you lie so

much.

I could either get really fucking mad, or just learn to put my energy into something positive.

It takes practice.

Life is practice.

I realize I've been going in circles. looking in all the wrong places. Responding to the wrong messages. Neglecting the right ones.

How

do you KNOW? 

I can only be who I am. I can just focus on being good at that. 

That, I can do. 

Being in bed for three days makes you think about a lot of stuff. And also facebook stalk compulsively...

I can't swallow, and since starting the antibiotics today I can't eat- everything makes me nauseous, even water. It's quite a miserable time but I have to keep thinking that it will pass and I'll be better.

What really fucking sucks is that my scholarship portfolio is due Sunday and I haven't been doing it because I've been mostly sick since last sunday. And I have to practice with my band. shit sucks.

I'm going to miss so much this weekend.

Anyway. How are you? haha

I guess you could say 

I found this place. where I took the parts of me I hated

and said fuck you to them and they left, and everything remaining was good. 

I have the most amazing people around me and I would not want to be ANYWHERE else in the world but here with them. Life fucking sucks sometimes, but if you don't have people to make you laugh, at the end of the day you're screwed. These people are my life. They make me who I am. They make me stronger and smarter and happier and wiser. Without them I would die. 

Then there are the people who change you. The people who, maybe you don't talk to any more, but in the back of your mind, they are always there, reminding you that the part they damaged in you might never be prepared, but those bruises and breaks make you who you are. the heart breakers. 

Sometimes I think it's my fault, that you don't talk to me any more. But now I'm starting to think it's yours. I miss you more as a friend then a lover, but maybe I just miss you. As a person. I need you here. Even if you break me every day. 

I crave the break. 

I forgot how safe you used to make me feel. the way you look at me is almost a lie, because you put me up on such a pedestal. I can't see myself that way. 

It's totally possible that when we meet people at certain points in our life, it's the wrong time. And the right time will come along. Somewhere down the road. I've grown up, you've stayed the same. But now I'm beginning to see things clearly. 

In my mind, your face gives me strength. I'll keep it for myself and no one else. 

too bad your soul doesn't match your eyes. 

when you feel stupid and embarassed, feel it all the way.

Take it and push it into your bones till they turn into rubber

and breathe it out. 

Then, you are done.

I am not sure.

what is beautiful and ugly any more. what is important and what is not. I push myself to come to conclusions RIGHT AWAY and it's really not necessary. 

I've been writing lots and I'm ready to start performing with my band again. I feel like winter is finally passing and it wasn't even that painful. 

i'm just looking for some

credit.

and you, who have always been there to love me. I didn't 

even 

see.