I constantly deal with a struggle. A struggle in which I am torn between what is right and what I believe is right. What I know is wrong and what others know is wrong. I see myself committing to certain people/things and I don't know why I find these people/things so important. I worry about my friends and their paths, when maybe I am really just giving myself too much credit.

I worry that we're all getting fucked up too much. That we're putting our energy into a place that needs none whatsoever. We surround ourselves with materialistic thoughts and forget what is truly important. Will it get worse? Will it get to a point where there is no value? That value, in itself, is nonexistent. That is a scary thought. 

Because of technology and the "system", we save much time instead of figuring things out by ourselves. But what if that step that we skip is actually the most essential? That, in order to make sense and advance further as individuals, we must go through the thought process and come to a conclusion. But now, with a click of a button, we have the answer, therefore leaving time to go on to other things and find more quick answers to other questions. But what if this is not healthy? What if, not realizing it now, this will become dangerous? Will it lead to taking more things for granted, and again, not recognizing the value in the small, pleasant subjects of our daily lives?

I have quit smoking, (again), and I sleep significantly better, and wake up at 10 or 11 instead of 3:30 in the afternoon. Thus leaving time for other, more important things. I've been busy with recording and practicing, and this leaves me overwhelmed with accomplishment at the end of day. But at the same time it leaves me feeling empty.

Friends came to Boston and I saw lots of live music last night. I can't even tell who's good anymore because everyone is good. 

I need my crew back. Birthday celebrations this weekend. 19th=not a big deal? If I feel old now... 

Today was so bland. It was humid and I did nothing interesting. Although, I did get sun by sitting outside of Starbucks for two hours being somewhat productive- I filled out two job applications and talked to some people I hadn't seen in a while. I can't believe they're closing down 500 stores across America. 

But what I do not get is like, sketchy men. When they stare at you for an obvious minute or two in public. No matter what mood I'm in, I just want to be like, "Are you serious?" Most of the time I just give them a scary look and walk away but like, it's just ridiculous. Imagine if we lived in a world where women sexually harassed men in public by hissing or snickering after them as they walked down the street. That'd be hilarious. We deserve at least that.

It seems to be the middle of the summer. A time when you're either counting down the days till September, when your regular schedule and busyness resumes, or you're having the time of your life. My life has not been consistent. I'm either up or down. I'm broke as hell and I find myself replying to ridiculous Craig's List ads about Red Headed Salon models and Nannys and Music video extras and such. Craig's List is always fun. I never seem to get too many replies. That makes me sad. The entertainment industry really does seem truly ridiculous most of the time.

Random people have been popping up in my dreams that I have not seen in literally years. How is this so? What does this mean? Do dreams have any significance whatsoever and, if so, how do we know which parts are more significant than others? I have always believed that they are important, and I do "decode" them sometimes when I wake up, but usually they're too detailed to remember. I just don't understand what makes someone appear in your dream when you haven't had anything to do with them in a while. My guess is that they might be thinking about you, or that they will make their way into your life in the near future. 

It's frustrating not being able to measure the value of something. bed

there are certain rules- boundaries- that we as individuals set for ourselves. We use these in order to make judgements and decisions in our lives. I like to think that everyone is good, and everyone has good intentions and wants the best for their surroundings. I like to give people the benefit of the doubt. I like to think that I am (usually) doing the right thing and that the choices I make are beneficial and will advance me in some way in my life. But you can't rely on people. You can find ways to make yourself happy and find a medium between pleasing others and pleasing yourself, and hope that your system works.

The friends I have are truely the most important people in my life (of course). These people remind me who I am and bring out the good qualities so that I can grow as a person and feel that I am excelling in everything I do. The people who are there for me when I am in trouble- without these people, I would not survive most of the time. Whether we like to admit it or not, these people are golden and without them we would be lonely, lost, and afraid. 

Then there are the bad seeds. The people who seek pleasure in seeing you unhappy. These people are not happy for themselves, therefore they take it out on their surroundings and this results to chaos. 

Today I woke up with a massive hangover (which didn't go away till around 5 pm) and saw some friends. I miss New York and I forgot how beautiful it is in the summer. Tonight when I got back home I walked to Cumby's to get snacks and on the way back looked up and saw the clearest sky I've ever seen. I hadn't seen stars in so long. 

I can't write shit right now... I have this piano hook playing on repeat in my head but nothing else comes to mind. Kind of like my life right now. har har

Peace