detachment

it just doesn't add up.

next time I will not

expect. 

or be expected.

you are not real. 

and I swear

it was a dream. 

fill these holes with something thicker. 

you've put me through everything and nothing.

should I close the doors and stop this now? Or think that there's actually a possibility...

I need to write more. Songs, that is. I need to meditate. Start reading more. Call my parents. Take more walks around the city.

I need...

balance. 

I find myself constantly looking for the answer. trying to make sense of EVERYTHING all the time, and I've come to realize that that's just the way I am. But isn't it supposed to be like that? If we aren't trying to grow, or create new ideas, then what's the point? 

My question is why, more recently, have I become more and more hungry for the answers, more impatient, and more upset about it... It's not a self-realization thing, but at the same time it totally is. I could either slow myself down, simply sit back and just stop proving myself to myself. But... that's not fun.

I'm not sure where I am. Does anyone know? 

something is changing. I can feel it. 

so maybe I'm coming to a few realizations. 

I cannot give my heart out

for free

like some kind of disease. 

life is magical. it is so easy to forget what's important and beautiful because we get so caught up in our own problems and let them get in the way of the true authenticity and natural appeal of our every day surroundings.

there will always be obstacles. there will always be fear. that is part of life. if these things did not exist, we would not seek an urge to grow. to grow is to change. and to change is to experience. 

It's a journey. I have such a long way, but I am getting closer every day. 

I can't deal but I will learn to.

you broke me. 

I am whole now. 

Build a wall of books between us in our bed
Repeat, repeat, the words that I know we both have said
Relax into the need, we get so comfortable
Remember when I was so strange and likeable?

I just want back in your head
I'm not unfaithful but I'll stray

When I get a little scared, I run, run, run
When I jerk away from holding hands with you
I know these habits hurt important parts of you

Remember when I was sweet and unexplainable?
Nothing like this person, un-loveable

I miss you but I don't know how much. 

I wonder what would happen if I just stopped thinking about things so freaking much.

Last night the wind carried away everything. I am growing up and it's scary. I am making decisions that I'm not very proud of, and I'm looking focus of my goals, and my path. I need a new religion. But I never had one to start off with.

I am so hard on myself and I am almost getting tired of this person staring back at me in the mirror. I think I need to engage in some selfless acts or something. 

Boston can be suffocating at times. I would very much like to go to a small cottage at the top of a hill with no distractions, no culture, no prejudice, no biases. Just miles and miles of field and clear thoughts. Clear. Thoughts. 

I don't know what, or who, I want. Where are the answers? I know that in time they will come. But I should stop looking in the wrong places.

Growing up is hard. Responsibility can be exhausting.

No conclusion made. yet.  

"Everything around me has changed. But the garden that you planted, remains." 

this weather is sad.

my weekend was full of fun and little restriction. However now I have a yucky cold and will stay in all day. Which I really don't have a problem with.

I'm trying to work on a couple things. I quit smoking (again) and I feel a lot healthier. Maybe I'll start working out. To be honest though, I probably won't. This month has zoomed by and I fear almost that time is passing too quickly.

School is a top priority and I am promising not to waste my own loan money this semester. Each hour long class is like, $150 a day. So basically every class you skip, you're wasting a ridiculous amount of your own money. So... yeah.

I'm not in a bad place right now, which is good. I'm not thinking too much, which is sometimes a problem. Thinking is not a problem. But too much thinking is. Yeah. I'm happy though.

Don't really feel like being introspective or reflective right now. Family Guy makes me laugh so hard. 

<3

being back has been ridiculous. I haven't had time to stop and breathe for a few days now, and finally sitting down and writing, I feel a huge shift in my life. Last week I was sitting at home on my porch peacefully, watching the clock, and now it's being somewhere different every hour, rekindling with friends since May, moving in, and embracing the craziness that comes with my group of friends. These people that I have surrounded myself are honest, colorful, caring people, and I am so fortunate for that.

But with every push comes a shove. I find myself trying to find what's good for me and in terms of romance, I really want to get it right this year. As corny as that sounds. I've been going after the wrong people for a while now. And the past seems to linger. Thsoe people are still in my life. ANd I want to treat them with as much respect as possible, but my heart and my mind are fighting a war and I cannot hide it. 

So many good things to come. I need to slow my mind down. This year will be amazing..

<3

dreams

I've been having some freaking weird dreams lately. Last night I only remember bits and pieces of but a recurring theme is traveling in cities. I'll keep going to different places and seeing/meeting up with different people within a short amount of time. I'll also start talking to somebody I know and they'll turn into someone I don't (their physical characteristics will change)

There's no way that these dreams have no significance. I'm getting sick of the country and ready to go back to Btown.



stuck.

S
T
U
C
K

reflections

sorry it's been a while. I didn't feel like I had anything to say for a while but right now I feel the need to spill my heart out to you.

The summer is nearing to the end and like all endings come beginnings. I find myself reflecting during these times much more than often, especially when I'm home. I want to go into my second year of college with a little more mental organization and cautiousness. My first year of college I experienced basically everything I possibly could, and now this time it will be different. Different but good. I want to have a little more self-discipline, and it's not like I'm completely out of control but I want to like the person I am and feel happy about my position in life. Sometimes it's easy to forget how fortunate we are to have the friends we have and the lifestyles we live. I want to take every opportunity that college offers and keep writing songs as much as possible, even though I know that will never stop. Sometimes I feel like I can't stop thinking and at times it's a good thing, but it gets really tiring. I feel like I'm getting older and some things are getting easier, and some are not. Everyone deals with the responsibility of living up to the expectations of the people around them. They are expected to act a certain way or do certain things because they have done/acted that way in the past. We show people who we are by expressing ourselves, and people expect consistency. To me, that sounds so ridiculous. Which is why I am lucky to have people in my life who accept who I am and who enjoy my company because I am who i am. 

I wish I had lots of money. haha. that would make everything so much easier.

much love

I constantly deal with a struggle. A struggle in which I am torn between what is right and what I believe is right. What I know is wrong and what others know is wrong. I see myself committing to certain people/things and I don't know why I find these people/things so important. I worry about my friends and their paths, when maybe I am really just giving myself too much credit.

I worry that we're all getting fucked up too much. That we're putting our energy into a place that needs none whatsoever. We surround ourselves with materialistic thoughts and forget what is truly important. Will it get worse? Will it get to a point where there is no value? That value, in itself, is nonexistent. That is a scary thought. 

Because of technology and the "system", we save much time instead of figuring things out by ourselves. But what if that step that we skip is actually the most essential? That, in order to make sense and advance further as individuals, we must go through the thought process and come to a conclusion. But now, with a click of a button, we have the answer, therefore leaving time to go on to other things and find more quick answers to other questions. But what if this is not healthy? What if, not realizing it now, this will become dangerous? Will it lead to taking more things for granted, and again, not recognizing the value in the small, pleasant subjects of our daily lives?

I have quit smoking, (again), and I sleep significantly better, and wake up at 10 or 11 instead of 3:30 in the afternoon. Thus leaving time for other, more important things. I've been busy with recording and practicing, and this leaves me overwhelmed with accomplishment at the end of day. But at the same time it leaves me feeling empty.

Friends came to Boston and I saw lots of live music last night. I can't even tell who's good anymore because everyone is good. 

I need my crew back. Birthday celebrations this weekend. 19th=not a big deal? If I feel old now... 

Today was so bland. It was humid and I did nothing interesting. Although, I did get sun by sitting outside of Starbucks for two hours being somewhat productive- I filled out two job applications and talked to some people I hadn't seen in a while. I can't believe they're closing down 500 stores across America. 

But what I do not get is like, sketchy men. When they stare at you for an obvious minute or two in public. No matter what mood I'm in, I just want to be like, "Are you serious?" Most of the time I just give them a scary look and walk away but like, it's just ridiculous. Imagine if we lived in a world where women sexually harassed men in public by hissing or snickering after them as they walked down the street. That'd be hilarious. We deserve at least that.

It seems to be the middle of the summer. A time when you're either counting down the days till September, when your regular schedule and busyness resumes, or you're having the time of your life. My life has not been consistent. I'm either up or down. I'm broke as hell and I find myself replying to ridiculous Craig's List ads about Red Headed Salon models and Nannys and Music video extras and such. Craig's List is always fun. I never seem to get too many replies. That makes me sad. The entertainment industry really does seem truly ridiculous most of the time.

Random people have been popping up in my dreams that I have not seen in literally years. How is this so? What does this mean? Do dreams have any significance whatsoever and, if so, how do we know which parts are more significant than others? I have always believed that they are important, and I do "decode" them sometimes when I wake up, but usually they're too detailed to remember. I just don't understand what makes someone appear in your dream when you haven't had anything to do with them in a while. My guess is that they might be thinking about you, or that they will make their way into your life in the near future. 

It's frustrating not being able to measure the value of something. bed

there are certain rules- boundaries- that we as individuals set for ourselves. We use these in order to make judgements and decisions in our lives. I like to think that everyone is good, and everyone has good intentions and wants the best for their surroundings. I like to give people the benefit of the doubt. I like to think that I am (usually) doing the right thing and that the choices I make are beneficial and will advance me in some way in my life. But you can't rely on people. You can find ways to make yourself happy and find a medium between pleasing others and pleasing yourself, and hope that your system works.

The friends I have are truely the most important people in my life (of course). These people remind me who I am and bring out the good qualities so that I can grow as a person and feel that I am excelling in everything I do. The people who are there for me when I am in trouble- without these people, I would not survive most of the time. Whether we like to admit it or not, these people are golden and without them we would be lonely, lost, and afraid. 

Then there are the bad seeds. The people who seek pleasure in seeing you unhappy. These people are not happy for themselves, therefore they take it out on their surroundings and this results to chaos. 

Today I woke up with a massive hangover (which didn't go away till around 5 pm) and saw some friends. I miss New York and I forgot how beautiful it is in the summer. Tonight when I got back home I walked to Cumby's to get snacks and on the way back looked up and saw the clearest sky I've ever seen. I hadn't seen stars in so long. 

I can't write shit right now... I have this piano hook playing on repeat in my head but nothing else comes to mind. Kind of like my life right now. har har

Peace

self

Right now I am writing from my room in upstate New York, where I grew up since we moved from the Catskills when I was seven. I am allergic to this house, and my cat, however these are not good enough reasons to not come back. 

After an incident in Boston earlier today that set back my travels a few hours, I found myself sitting on my train to New Haven, CT from Boston, while trying to sleep, and failing. Earlier that day, I had left my wallet on Bus 39 to Back Bay Station, and when I looked through my bag to pull out my train ticket, I noticed it wasn't there. I had 20 minutes to get on the train, which I knew I wouldn't make, and called my parents to explain my situation. Devastated and very emotionally unstable at this point, I sat down outside, a few feet away from some chatty homeless people, and spent a few minutes on the phone with the MBTA explaining my situation. The man on the phone told me to call back and he would put me on the air with that specific Bus Terminal P.I.C. Having my guitar by my side and a few potential audience members, I pulled out a quarter as a temporary pick and began strumming, because I knew at this point there was nothing that could make me feel better- except for music. A business man clad in an expensive suit sat down next to me with a sandwich, and at that moment I felt obligated to play a song. Even though it was Michelle Branch's "Goodbye to You", it was something, and it was enough for him to compliment me on my performance. Feeling a small pang of hope, I called the MBTA once more after I was done playing to see if my wallet was in possession by someone. Anyways, long story short they had it and nothing in the wallet had been stolen. I went to pick the wallet up and got a train home a few hours later.

Now, you might be thinking, "Wow, that's pure luck." But I really do believe this stuff happens for a reason. Places and times and coincidences are of course huge components, but it's situations like this that really make me think about energy and forces all around us that- to some people- is known as God or a higher power, but for me, I guess it all comes down to Karma. Faith in the people around us. Hope that the world is actually not as fucked up as everyone assumes it to be- that somehow, the bad evens out with the good.

In other news, tonight there was heat lightning- and eventually pouring rain- but I did get a chance to sit outside and watch it. It feels good to be in the presence of nature again. I forget about it easily in Boston.

Maybe I really am turning into a hippie. What's so wrong with that anyway? 

I hate in betweens. I really cannot stand them. Today I woke up to loud construction. I looked outside only to find my apt complex's small plot of land being paved over for a parking space. It made me think of the Counting Crow's song Paradise, obviously- but it also made me think of how, as stupid as it sounds, that small plot of land is my life right now. Everything gets paved over sooner or later, and sometimes we can't do anything to stop it. 

Last night me and my roommate were about to catch a cab home and what I assume was a homeless man asked me if I would like to buy a nice, unused pair of roller blades for $10, (my size, I might add) and at first I was hesitant. But then I thought- how often does that shit happen? So I bought them. We took a cab home and both put on one rollerblade in the cab before we exited. Let's just say we scared the cab driver a little. Sitting on the ground after falling many times on these rollerblades (we took turns trying them out) the street lights were brightly illuminating the scenario as if it was a skit. Passer-byers going to get snacks at 7-11 at 3 in the morning would laugh and say funny things as we continued to fall on our ass, laughing at our lack of roller blading skills. 

This got me to thinking. How is it that life is so random? It's not every day that some homeless guy on Boylston outside of Stevie's Pizza comes up to you and offers you a pair of new, nice roller blades that just HAPPEN to be your size and fit you perfectly. Like, honestly God... are you fucking with me? 

a fresh start

it's 5:15 am and I wish I could sleep. I wish I did not sleep during the day. I wish I exercised and took care of myself. but i do none of these things. tonight boston kept a secret. I feel my mind drifting away from reality a lot more often these days and I have yet to discover the cause of it. 

besides that shit, I need a job. A couple things were setting me back from finding one in the past week but now I am prepared. Please Boston, hire me. Let me work for others. Which I will never enjoy fully. 

Dumplings are so yummy.

 more soon